Stories of the Past

2010-04-26T16:55:00.002+10:00

I made a choice. I made the decision.

I think I made a mistake.

Can I blame you a little too for my mistake?

Fcuk!!!

Moments Lost

2009-10-24T19:54:00.000+11:00

I woke up this morning feeling unsettled. I sat there in bed for a moment, forgetting that is was ten past nine. Forgetting that if I didn’t get out of bed soon, I’d miss my train. Forgetting that missing the train would make me late for work.

I don’t know what happened to that moment. Did I lose my mind for the seconds or minutes that I had forgotten? Did I miss a beat of my life that I will never get back? No matter how short the time was, it scares me to think of how unaware I was during that time.

Even so, that moment was bliss. It hurts my head sometimes when I think so much but it hurts my head more when try not to think at all. It feels like my heart is so full that it’s all flooded into my head, but it’s not the same ‘wave’ so it shouldn’t be in my head at all.

I feel like I’m losing everything, and it’s only my own fault.

I don’t know what my problem is. I don’t know what I want from anyone or myself. I don’t know where I fit anymore. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why.

I don’t know why. I wish I did.

Pretending

2009-10-13T14:42:00.001+11:00

The 21^st century brings with it the freedom to express who are as individuals. We have resources that are so easily accessible, and yet, I still feel like no-one I know is who they portray themselves to be.

With the ability and acceptance to share who we really are, everyone has become so pretentious! No-one still says what they really mean, sugar coating it or exaggerating or just plain lying. Everyone smiles when all they want to do is crawl into a corner to cry.

I can be such the hypocrite.

Why are we all pretending?

Crazy Dreams

2009-09-27T22:01:00.001+10:00

It wasn’t really a dream. It was actually a nightmare. The crazy thing about the dreams and nightmares that I have is that they are not really crazy. They are stories and plots that actually make sense. People don’t just appear and disappear or change into different people entirely! But that’s what scares me the most.

I dreamt that I gave birth to two twins. A boy and a girl. They were BEAUTIFUL! But as I held each baby in each arm, I started noticing that something was not right. Suddenly the nurse grabbed them and no matter how tight I held on to my babies, they still slipped away. They didn’t cry. They didn’t move. They were stillborns. Even so, I still loved them. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. I cried and cried, and sobbed and sobbed in my corner until finally my dad came and slapped me and told me to stop crying and get over it.

My. Heart. Broke.

Do you believe that dreams mean something more than just a dream? Normally I do, but in this case, I hope not.

Just a Timetable

2009-07-17T23:12:00.000+10:00

Fate has it that I will set no goals. Just a timetable.

Neglect

2009-07-16T23:32:00.002+10:00

I haven't been busy.
I haven't been out that much.
I haven't had any uni or homework.

Thus, I have no excuse for neglecting some of the things that I have.

I need to set myself goals! But lately I haven't been. I feel like that if you try and set goals, you'll have just as much to lose as there is to gain. If you try and set goals, and you fail? Its losing everything. So why set goals?

I feel like with no goals, I can't accomplish anything. But having left "goal making" for so long, I now feel afraid of trying again. I feel like I have already broken so much, that if I try taking the glue out now, it'll just ruin things more. But the longer I leave things broken, the more likely someone is going to hurt themselves.

I feel like that I have stopped spinning at the same pace with the world. I lost the rythm for one beat, and now I can't catch on again. Should I try though? and risk stumbling and making a fool of myself? Or should I try, and when I do win over, feel like every fall and hurt was all worth it in the end?

The Past

2009-07-14T10:26:00.002+10:00

I've never been the sort of person who likes to be in the spotlight. I don't follow the herd of sheep but I do like to think that (hopefully) I fit in.

I don't know why, but I seem to be finding myself reminscing the past more often recently. Sometimes I feel like that I've embraced all the change really well. And then sometimes I feel like I've just lost it all.

I remember the recesses and lunches we had at school. We had these nice little benches and we'd all have this silent unspoken agreement of the seating arrangments or we'd automatically rotate fairly. Or the time when we went through our healthy phase and we'd bring stuff like lettuce, avocado, tuna, cheese and bread to make our sandwiches. OH! And our carrot, celery or cucumber sticks! :D

All those things we shared, I never felt left out once! We gave each other just enough space but we also knew when to badger each other (maybe me badgering others more than they'd like)! Alot of it was something that we knew within each other, we didn't have to talk about it to make things fair. I guess you could say that we were simply in our own little world.

I can safely say that those were some of the best years of my life.

BUT

I'm starting to see it all in a different light. Were we so tightly knit that we couldn't allow other people into what we had? Would things have been different if we had? I'm starting to feel like what we did and how we were was slightly wrong.

I remember how we (truthfully) blocked out new kids who were introduced into our group. How we'd have little "inside" jokes that no-one else would get. And we'd never try to include them. Does that make us bullies?!

I know you could say "oh but you were young!" But since when did that become an excuse for us to hurt others?

Circle of Friends

2009-05-31T15:27:00.004+10:00

Making friends should be effortless. with the right people, it shouldn't be this hard.

You see, I thought we could've been great friends. I thought you were awesome. Now, i just feel like i've been cut from the group. hell! i wasnt in the damned group to begin with. i'm sick of making all the efforts. you clearly would rather "hang" without me.

well, screw you.

Because I’m a Little Selfish Too

2009-05-26T22:54:00.000+10:00

I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s not because I don’t want to! Not only do I have a lot on my metaphorical plate at the moment, there’s also just so much things cluttered in my head that I don’t know what to say.

Most of it IS centered on me. I can’t help but constantly think about all the things I’d like to improve on or change about myself.

I know I’m lazy. That is probably the biggest and worst habit of mine. Being lazy makes me impatient because most of the time, I just Can’t Be Bothered! My room is a mess. I could clean it, but then it’d take me at least a week just to get my table cleaned because I’ll get lazy half way through it and lost track. I wardrobe is a train wreck. They start off all nicely hung up on coat hangers or folded into draws, but after a day of trying to “find” something to wear, everything will be all strewn everywhere again. Me, looking for an outfit to wear the next day, is like digging for gold!

Another issue I have with myself is that I’m all talk and no action. Like here! I know exactly what my bad habits are and I always say that I want to be better, but then if anything, I’ll always find myself back at square one after whether is hours or days.

I can’t help but think that this all comes down to because I’m just plain selfish.

This was abrupt and now I don’t know how to finish it.

I Don't Care!

2009-05-06T22:56:00.002+10:00

I don’t care anymore.
I’m not going to try and deny how I feel.
I’m going to hope with all my heart because even if you break it, it wouldn’t matter.
I didn’t understand until now how different this is, as corny as it sounds.

the Love of Writing and Music

2009-05-04T22:22:00.002+10:00

I’m going to keep this short and sweet because other than the shortage of time, I still love to write.

Writing has always been a passion of mine. Never feel like I’m good at it, but I love it none the less in any form it comes in. I have note book after note book that date from over a decade ago whether it be diary/journal entries, poems or stuff like short stories and attempts of novel writing. Now I enjoy the blogging world. I love creating my own entries and reading other people’s and discovering their particular way of articulation.

Reading others’ interests also reminds me of the little things that matter which I often forget about or take for granted. One of which that keeps popping up, especially recently is music. Again, I must admit, I absolutely ADORE music! When I think about it, it is part of my everyday life, even before I got my first mp3. Music is emotions to me. It creates my whole life. But lately, I find that music is hard to listen to sometimes. It’s just that it reminds me of so much of every aspect of my life. I don’t know if anyone else gets it, but some specific songs remind me of and portray particular events or people in my life and lately, every single song I hear is about the only one person. It’s not that I don’t like this person, more the absolute total opposite. Its just that sometimes you know that dwelling on something that is just not going to happen is not healthy but I just can’t help it as much as I feel like its killing me. I can’t just stop listening to my music, but for once, I feel like I don’t know if it’s helping me or hurting me more.

I feel like everything I write about, listen to or every time I think about something, it unconsciously leads me back to you.

So much of short and sweet.

Choice in Life

2009-04-29T23:55:00.001+10:00

Okay, so I live with a typical family. A mother, a father and three kids. Occasionally, we have little family outings such as going to the park and having a barbecue, a trip to the cinemas and most recently, we visited he aquarium for the first time in a decade! These outings mean a lot to me.

BUT

so does having a choice in life. Especially my own life.

I love my Dad to bits. But he controls everything in my life to the point where I can’t even decide what time of the day I’d like to have a shower! He just had a go at me for having a shower this morning. He started ranting on about how we’re not allowed to have showers in the morning. It was so ridiculous that I had to ask why. He said that it was because if we washed in the morning, we’d get dirty during the day and he doesn’t want a dirty kid in the house. Okay? What. The. Hell?

So I reply, “fine then, I’ll just have another shower now” and of course he has more to say. “It wastes water to have two showers a day.” Then he decides that I shouldn’t have asked that question because I was talking back and then goes on about a whole load of “if you don’t respect me, then how do you expect me to respect you?” What a load of bullshit! My dad is so traditionally cultural that he doesn’t even believe in respecting the children, only vice versa.

I thought I could deal with this, but it’s getting outrageous. This is bad, but it’s the truth and I’m starting to get sick of the fact that almost every time I want to go out now, I have to lie and say I’m at work or something. I don’t like it. I’m the type of kid that would love to come home and tell my parents all about my day I’ve had. But how can I if I had to lie about where I was just to get out of the freaking house! He’ll always have a good “come back” to everything we ask or question, it’s always “for our own good”. I don’t think so. If it was, there wouldn’t be this blog entry. How could he possibly know what is good for me if he never lets me talk. Sure, he’s always talking and lecturing me all the time, but that’s not what “the best” is about. “the best” should be a compromise between both parties but how the hell is that supposed to work if only one party is allowed to do all the talking?

He’s got the bubble-wrap around me so tight that I feel like I’m chocking.

Lost Hope

2009-04-24T21:25:00.002+10:00

Yes, the title does seem quite melodramatic, but I didn’t know how else to explain how I’m feeling. But I’m not after anyone’s sympathy, just to understand why the way I am sometimes. And for me to try and understand me I guess. ?

There has been something on my heart. It’s nothing recent. It’s just something from about a year ago that I’ve been remembering a lot. It was at a friend’s shared birthday party held at a hired out function hall so there was plenty of people there that we didn’t know. Randomly, this guy approaches me and asks if I’m enjoying the party. I’m surprised, but not wanting to seem rude, I just chatted back. I’m surprised because this isn’t usually how the scenario goes. I’m usually watching the guys approach my friends. I don’t have anything against that and I can see why! Well, this guy suddenly takes out his phone and asks if he could have my number for a friend. I was genuinely shocked and literally just froze. He took my hesitation as a “no” and just said that it was alright and left before I could say anything else. I turned back to my friends to tell them what I had happened. They all questioned me why I didn’t give my number.

Seriously, now that I think about it, it was like as if I should’ve known that something was wrong. But all my friends’ excitement made me hope. After I left the party, they found that guy that had asked for my number and gave my number to him. Truthfully, I was just so happy that “something” was finally happening for me. I hoped so much the next two days expecting a call or a message.

BUT (of course every story has a ‘but’)

Rather than the every teenage girls’ dream of a “happily ever after”. I discovered that it was all a joke. It was a GAME that they liked to play at parties for goodness sake! What I felt when I found out was literally something that I couldn’t explain in words. The little confidence that I had felt absolutely shattered. I didn’t know that I could feel so low. And recently, I feel that low. I don’t know why and it’s not affecting my whole life. Just in some departments. I feel so out of luck and faith in fate. if anything, fate is the only thing I have faith in, more than in myself. So if I can’t believe in fate, then where does that leave me?

I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, especially not the shit that’s happened, but it just feels like someone’s pushed the “Repeat All” button.

Great, so not only does God use the “Delete” button, He also uses the “Repeat All” button. As if we need that!

Bad Habits

2009-04-19T21:10:00.000+10:00

After a weekend that felt like a week long, I feel like I’ve been hit by a train.

BUT

If this could ever be possible, I’m happy with no regrets that I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. As tired and sick as I feel right now, I’m couldn’t be happier about how I spent my weekend. Friday night was spent clubbing at Havana. The music, people and environment there is just amazing. Especially the music! It was legendary! It was a really last minute thing and I was almost not going to go. I went expecting a big turn out of people but when we arrived, there were only a few people but I was far from disappointed.

I spent the next day just sleeping and watching Dodgeball on the couch. Then, Saturday night was happily spent at dinner and K celebrating Garmon’s 18th birthday. This was also last minute. I hadn’t decided to go until I’d met up with everyone to give Garmon his birthday present. A dinner of all forms of meat possible (and a funny episode of roasted chicken heart) kept the party lively. At K, the party continued to a peak that I didn’t know was possible. We probably could’ve knocked the building down. Afterwards, Leah, Bonnie and I had a drink at Pavillion Hotel and had a few dances while waiting for Leah’s dad to arrive to give us a much appreciated lift. At Pavillion, we were surprised by a few other people who were also out partying on a Saturday night. Again, this was all last minute and I had an amazing time.

So where is all this re-counting leading to? This weekend of partying leads to a bad habit of mine. My bad habit of comparing myself to all around me who just always seem that much better than me. Because this weekend was not planned and all very last minute, I didn’t know where I was going or who with. This led to me critically analyzing everything little bad thing about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I still had a great time everywhere I went. I just felt like I couldn’t understand why all these awesome people would want to hang out with someone like me. I’m not looking for praises or sympathy, I’m sincerely just in wonder and amazement. Everyone has me in awe. And I wish there was more to me.

Could I be accepted with all my bad habits?

Wishing Upon a Star

2009-04-15T16:39:00.001+10:00

I can be very corny when I want to be. I can be very embarrassing when I want to be. I can do all that but its hard to channel it through…

I wish that one day I could:

- just hold his hands and not have to say anything.
- be serenaded to and for him to not mind that I giggled.
- warm his hands between my hands in winter.
- get away with stealing his food.
- listen to him tell me about his dreams.
- hug him without any self-conscious worries in mind.
- get away with anything by just giving him “the look”.
- accidentally get mad at him for thinking that he had forgotten my birthday when he’d already bought the “perfect” present 2 weeks ago.
- make an unconscious comment about how long his hair is getting and the next day he’ll have had his hair cut.
- learn how to let him go.

Wishing upon a star gets you no where.

Much About Nothing

2009-04-14T21:31:00.000+10:00

It seems like my blogs don’t tell much about my days. Only just my moods. I don’t talk about events. Just what I’m feeling at the moment. I don’t get it. seriously, seriously, nothing triggers these moods. Wait…things do, but its never just one event, its usually a series of events.

Today, a series of events happened. A series of events that I can recount that actually did affect my moods. I’ve recently noticed that I seem to be really easily influenced, in both good and bad. Today made it all especially obvious. Things are tough at home and that is usually how my day begins. I wake up to a mom who cheerfully wakes my little siblings and skillfully manages to ignore me and yet at the same time making it obvious that she is ignoring me. A frustrating car ride with my “loving-I-must-control-every-aspect-of-your-life” dad lecturing me all the way to the train station. Then it’s finally escape! But that comes with a price.

I got to uni today all grouchy and unfortunately making me not a very nice person to be around. I managed to return Bonnie’s joke with a bitchy reply and then storming out of the study room. Being hungry and sleep deprived fed my grouchy mood. I decided that the best thing to do for the time being was to avoid people until I was not so grouchy. I jumped onto a “library search” computer and managed to unintentionally piss off this guy so much that he felt obliged to hiss a “fucken hell” for me to hear (I’d only been on the computer for 30 seconds! Maybe he had had a bad morning). I felt like giving him the finger as I walked away..

So I’m grouchy, bitchy, hungry, sleep deprived and sworn at, wondering around the library looking for a list of books. WHY IS OUR LIBRARY SO BOOKLESS?? I didn’t find a single book I was after.

I knew that it wasn’t going to work so I took a walk through the library shelves. Found and talked to someone I’d never met before knew as a classmate and filled an empty stomach. I felt a little better.

With food in my tummy, it started dawning on me on how I was being such an unpleasant person today and did not want to leave that unwanted scar on my friends. So I took a chill pill and my day turned a leaf to a more encouraging day.

Now when I think back, I feel so silly. I don’t like to think that just because I’m in a bad mood, I leave the ones around me in bad moods but today, that is exactly what I did. But really, more importantly, truthfully, I find that others have that affect on me too. Even if they aren’t doing anything to me, as long as their in a not-so-good mood, it’ll rub off on me through no fault of their own. I feel like a sponge sometimes. A sponge that absorbs not just water, but grease, oil and all the rest. Id’ be a very good sponge to use in the kitchen.

What a waste of time and space this was.

Just Delete

2009-04-13T00:15:00.000+10:00

I feel like I’m always crying for nothing. It hurts inside me so much. Its so easy when I’m gone or out, but as soon as I step through the doors that I hold a copy of keys to, I feel like I’m being eaten alive from the inside.

I don’t particularly believe in palm reading, but I always liked listening to people telling me what type of future I’d have just from looking at the lines and creases on my palm. Apparently, creases that create crosses across any of the three main palm “life” lines means that that particular part of life will be difficult. It gets me thinking when my “crosses” are so many and so overlapped that my three main “life” lines are made up of the “crosses.

Funnily enough, or maybe not so funny, my life is my family. As much as I don’t always get along well with them, I still know that I can’t live without them, but I still feel like I’m dying when with them. If I can’t survive with something that holds me together, then how do I WORK?!

I never win. I have never won. I’m always losing. That I can do. But! I can’t do this with no-one on my side.

I want to Delete everything that I’ve every done. I want to Delete me.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

Change of the Wind

2009-04-12T00:01:00.000+10:00

I am so confused. I feel like as if everything is lost to me but at the same time, like as if I have everything to live for?

I’ve always never really enjoyed change. Change as in circumstances becoming different from what it used to be or originally was. Change as in drifting away from friends that you thought you’d love for ever. Change as in I-will-never-follow-the-“trend” but then finding myself following the crowd anyways.

I know, I know. Change is inevitable, you can’t prevent it. And I also know (contradictorily) that change is also good. It’s adaptation, a survival pattern. But sometimes, I think change is wrong. Sometimes, why can’t things stay the same when everything is fine? Don’t get me wrong, I guess in many situations, there should be a change and not all changes (especially within myself) has been bad. I guess I just don’t like the whole uncertainty thing. I guess I find it hard to adapt to changes. It’s so ironic considering that all my life my environment has been changing constantly as we (as a family) have moved around a lot. This also meant a lot of new schools and making new friends. I haven’t been in this situation for over 6 years now. All the moving around was mainly during primary school and now that I feel like I’m used to a more “unchanging” life, the jump into uni makes me feel like…I don’t really know! It was just so abrupt in the way that I pretty much never see majority of the people that I used to see 5 days a week. And I miss all that dearly.

So pretty much, how do I get over all this change? I change.

L is for Leah..and Alot of Other Things

2009-04-06T15:30:00.003+10:00

First times are always meant to be special and memorable...so how was my first time clubbing?

IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!! :D

I just love dressing up with heels and all and dancing the night away. There's just something about all the heart pumping music and flashy lights that just makes me forget all my dilemas! And celebrating Leah's 19th birthday at the same time was great. She had a ball. I don't need to ask her but why do I know? Because she had alot of shouted "birthday drinks"! haha...Leah is a very cute drunk, as well as loud, repetitive and very touchy-feely. She left some very memorable "quotes" which gave us all some very big laughs. Unfortunatley, she does not seem to be able to remember much of the night. Haha. It makes me wonder what type of a drunk I’d be!

BUT reagardless of all the fun, stacking it down concrete stairs before you get into the club is not a fun thing to do. The next evening, I found bruises and cuts all over my arms and legs from the stack. Even so, no matter how much they hurt, in the end, I still think it was all worth it!

I’d do it all again.

This Shit

2009-04-02T22:03:00.003+11:00

I am prone to bad mood swings. NOT just becuase I'm a girl. I swear an awful lot in my head, but hardly out loud. ESPECIALLY not the "F" word. But you know what? FUck this shit!

fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I feel so ANGRY! FUUUUCK!!

Jersey 08

2009-03-31T14:02:00.004+11:00

Today, with friends at university, we decided to all wear jerseys. Most people dogged it but dressed in genre. I was happy to join in with the jerseys, but was frightened to certain degree. what could I possible be afraid of in wearing a harmless day to a harmless uni with harmless friends? haha, well, for me, my moment of truth was the putting-it-on part.

I've been fighting a losing war with myself for as long as i can remember. I've always hated how i look (still do) and was always classed as a "bigger" girl. It really does mess with your head when you get kids all poking funa at you and calling you names you never want to be referred to as. No wonder we get kids who think being thin by being anorexic or bulimic is normal. Because their heads have already been messed with. As ashamed as i am about it, even i thought that it was acceptable and the only way to stop the teasing or to "be like everyone else". and you know what? It really does work. I dropped kilos in weeks. BUT i also began to falls sick easily and more than usual, and throat and tonsils became so inflamed and sore that i could hardly swallow. With prescribed pills, my throat got better. And when I had admitted it to my mom about what I had done, she didn't say much, but the look on her face made me feel like I had dissapointed her to no ends. I couldn't just do that anymore.

That was four years ago and ironically enough, since then i still haven't lost weight (rather I gained) UNTIL two weeks ago.

A family friend of mine who'd lost a considerable amount of weight from dangerously close to being obese to a lean and healthy weight. He always told me that it wasn't what you did, how you did it or even how much you wanted it. It was all in your head to just DO IT! wanting gets you no where if you don't act on it. i never really understood what he meant until one day, just one day, i didnt want to be what everyone wants to be anymore, i just wanted to be me and me isn't like this. SO i've found the motivation, a motivation to get me through. i'm learning to trust myself and to stop hurting myself anymore.

THUS, the jersey fit great!

Effortless

2009-03-30T20:30:00.000+11:00

It was so effortless to fall, but quote – “this doesn’t even feel like falling”. You’re so closed. You won’t open up to me. I feel like I want to know everything about you. You make me curious. But I’m scared of scaring you away. I think I already have. I can’t find a fault in you. I’ll blame it all on me. I miss you on the days I know I can’t see you. I look out for you everywhere on the days I’m meant to see you.

You piss me off, but I feel so drawn to you. I can’t leave knowing that you’re there. I wish you’d leave me alone, yet I never want you to stop talking to me. I unconsciously do everything with you in mind. There is nothing that’s not about you. I would change to someone else, something else just to catch your attention. That is why I am already changing. I know it’s wrong, but I already am.

You’re too nice for your own good. And you don’t even know it.

All the Small Things

2009-03-29T14:40:00.000+11:00

Work on Saturday is always the best. Saturday is just that day when people can do something a little out of the ordinary. Like a trip into Myer for a good movie or music.

Just 2 hours into my shift, a man approached me. He seemed an average person, except for his loud purple t-shirt with a Flinstone print yelling “Wilmaaaa”. The shirt made me laugh. He asked me if we stocked any Wall-E merchandise to which I replied apologetically that we didn’t. But, before he could comment or leave, I offered him a Wall-E tin lunchbox that we were giving away. You should’ve seen his face! Hugging the Wall-E tin lunchbox in one arm, he bear hugged me with the other. I had apparently made his day just by giving him a freebie I would’ve had to give to anyone that would’ve happened to ask for it! I was shocked at the man’s exaggerated reaction but none the less just happy to help.

At just half an hour from closing time, I hurried through the queue of customers, hoping to close on time. I gave a more-than-cheerful “how are you” to the last customer from the counter. The old man looked up, shocked. Just as I thought he was going to tell me off for being too loud, his face broke into one of those bright Santa Clause smiles. He greeted me back with even more enthusiasm and cheerfully replied that he had never received such an excited greeting from someone who had been working all day. As I put his purchase through, he told me that he would come a visit our store more often even though there was a closer branch to him. As I collected his money, he told me that he hoped to see me working next time he came. His happy remarks made me feel so unconditionally and surprisingly joyous.

I don’t know what I’m trying to get at. I guess I had just never noticed that enjoying every small moment in your day creates a whole day of un-noticed joy.

It’s the Small Things that Count.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

2009-03-26T23:57:00.001+11:00

I’ve been told, quite frequently, that I laugh a lot. To which I always reply asking whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. No-one hesitates in replying that “of course it’s a good thing!” but they never elaborate.

I don’t know why I laugh so much. And I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing either. I know sometimes, when I laugh a lot, it’s just because I don’t know how else to react and I get the feeling that sometimes people think I’m unusual for laughing at the things I do. It doesn’t really necessarily mean that I find something or a situation funny. It just fills up silences that could become awkward I guess. If someone asks “how are you”, I’ll laugh before replying that “I’m good”. If someone says something that I didn’t hear, I’ll laugh before asking “pardon?”.

I guess, maybe, laughing becomes my way of releasing any and all of my emotions. When I talk to a friend when I’m sad or depressed, I laugh and tell them “this is so silly” before launching into my story of self-sorrow. If I’m angry, I’ll steam and fume and then…haha…laugh! This is me laughing away in situations and emotions that a normal person would be doing anything but laughing so imagine me in a situation that everyone would laugh!

When I think about it now, I’m a very laugh-out-loud sort of person. During long train rides, I sometimes like to indulge in a good book and if it is funny or entertaining, I’ll chuckle a little. If I “accidentally” over hear a random’s conversation and it’s funny or entertaining, I’ll giggle a little. I just can’t retain that. I can’t just smile, I have to “laugh-out-loud” in some way or another. Just the other day, on the train on my way home from work (peak hour with everyone rushing to get home) I remembered a joke I’d been told earlier during the week and couldn’t help but giggle out loud a little. I received some funny looks which made me all embarrassed and so…I giggled a little more to over come my embarrassment! I know! I sound deranged! But I’m not. I don’t see or hear things that I shouldn’t or aren’t there. I don’t understand why enjoying something aloud should mean that there is something wrong with my head, though I often feel that way when I do because of everyone pointing out that I laugh so much!

I think sometimes that laughing as much as I do makes people think I’m stupid, like as if I have nothing good to say. If someone could read my mind, they’ll know that I have a lot to say about a lot of things. I just don’t always share it. Truthfully, it’s because most of the time, I am in awe of my company’s presence. I feel like as if anything I say will sound “not good enough”. Stupid as it may sound, but I’m sure I’m not alone on this, I might pretend that I don’t care what people think of me, but really, I do. I don’t know why I let it get to me. I’ve had good friend after good friend lecture me about it and its not that I don’t take in account that they are trying to help me. I just sometimes feel like I’ve let myself down so much that I can’t see anyone seeing any good in me. All this confusion frightens me. I don’t know where to go with it nor what to do. So I laugh.

Laughter is the Best Medicine.

Impossible?

2009-03-25T12:21:00.003+11:00

So, I set myself a task, thinking that it won't be too hard to live up to. I'm thinking that I'll just have to keep reminding myself and it'll just become a habit. I'm thinking that that's all I have to do. It couldn't be that hard.

I am SO wrong.

Now, i'm stuck in a situation where I know what is better for me vs. what I want. Starting university has not been the cause of this. It was the availabilty of meeting new people. I was right to have been so scared. No, I'm not anti-social, but i think i can be a little socially awkward sometimes. i don't do it intentionally, i just sometimes feel like as if i have to try too hard to be friendly and then when i notice that i am trying too hard, i become awkward becuase i think that the others can sense it. I did not think that starting university could make it more difficult, but ever since orientation day, its been considerably harder. It just seems so sadistic. It is like as if I like inflicting this hurt on myself and can’t get enough of it!

But this time (I know it’s cliché but whatever) I swear it’s so different. It’s different in the way I feel, but really, that’s about it. My half is changed, but the other half never seems to. Keep hoping? What else can I do?

Lets end on a happier and lighter note. Yes, I know their songs don't have the best lyrics, but they make me laugh and want to dance, so i'm currently loving 3oh!3 - especially "don't trust me". Lots of fun to listen to!

Brand New

2009-03-20T18:20:00.002+11:00

so...this is new.

I've never heard about stuff like this before but of course things like this gets around and everyone gets sucked into it. It'll give me something to do on the nights that I can't sleep.

I think I'll enjoy this.