Moments Lost

I woke up this morning feeling unsettled. I sat there in bed for a moment, forgetting that is was ten past nine. Forgetting that if I didn’t get out of bed soon, I’d miss my train. Forgetting that missing the train would make me late for work.

I don’t know what happened to that moment. Did I lose my mind for the seconds or minutes that I had forgotten? Did I miss a beat of my life that I will never get back? No matter how short the time was, it scares me to think of how unaware I was during that time.

Even so, that moment was bliss. It hurts my head sometimes when I think so much but it hurts my head more when try not to think at all. It feels like my heart is so full that it’s all flooded into my head, but it’s not the same ‘wave’ so it shouldn’t be in my head at all.

I feel like I’m losing everything, and it’s only my own fault.

I don’t know what my problem is. I don’t know what I want from anyone or myself. I don’t know where I fit anymore. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why.

I don’t know why. I wish I did.

Pretending

The 21^st century brings with it the freedom to express who are as individuals. We have resources that are so easily accessible, and yet, I still feel like no-one I know is who they portray themselves to be.

With the ability and acceptance to share who we really are, everyone has become so pretentious! No-one still says what they really mean, sugar coating it or exaggerating or just plain lying. Everyone smiles when all they want to do is crawl into a corner to cry.

I can be such the hypocrite.

Why are we all pretending?

Crazy Dreams

It wasn’t really a dream. It was actually a nightmare. The crazy thing about the dreams and nightmares that I have is that they are not really crazy. They are stories and plots that actually make sense. People don’t just appear and disappear or change into different people entirely! But that’s what scares me the most.

I dreamt that I gave birth to two twins. A boy and a girl. They were BEAUTIFUL! But as I held each baby in each arm, I started noticing that something was not right. Suddenly the nurse grabbed them and no matter how tight I held on to my babies, they still slipped away. They didn’t cry. They didn’t move. They were stillborns. Even so, I still loved them. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. I cried and cried, and sobbed and sobbed in my corner until finally my dad came and slapped me and told me to stop crying and get over it.

My. Heart. Broke.

Do you believe that dreams mean something more than just a dream? Normally I do, but in this case, I hope not.

Just a Timetable

Fate has it that I will set no goals. Just a timetable.

Neglect

I haven't been busy.
I haven't been out that much.
I haven't had any uni or homework.

Thus, I have no excuse for neglecting some of the things that I have.

I need to set myself goals! But lately I haven't been. I feel like that if you try and set goals, you'll have just as much to lose as there is to gain. If you try and set goals, and you fail? Its losing everything. So why set goals?

I feel like with no goals, I can't accomplish anything. But having left "goal making" for so long, I now feel afraid of trying again. I feel like I have already broken so much, that if I try taking the glue out now, it'll just ruin things more. But the longer I leave things broken, the more likely someone is going to hurt themselves.

I feel like that I have stopped spinning at the same pace with the world. I lost the rythm for one beat, and now I can't catch on again. Should I try though? and risk stumbling and making a fool of myself? Or should I try, and when I do win over, feel like every fall and hurt was all worth it in the end?

The Past

I've never been the sort of person who likes to be in the spotlight. I don't follow the herd of sheep but I do like to think that (hopefully) I fit in.

I don't know why, but I seem to be finding myself reminscing the past more often recently. Sometimes I feel like that I've embraced all the change really well. And then sometimes I feel like I've just lost it all.

I remember the recesses and lunches we had at school. We had these nice little benches and we'd all have this silent unspoken agreement of the seating arrangments or we'd automatically rotate fairly. Or the time when we went through our healthy phase and we'd bring stuff like lettuce, avocado, tuna, cheese and bread to make our sandwiches. OH! And our carrot, celery or cucumber sticks! :D

All those things we shared, I never felt left out once! We gave each other just enough space but we also knew when to badger each other (maybe me badgering others more than they'd like)! Alot of it was something that we knew within each other, we didn't have to talk about it to make things fair. I guess you could say that we were simply in our own little world.

I can safely say that those were some of the best years of my life.

BUT

I'm starting to see it all in a different light. Were we so tightly knit that we couldn't allow other people into what we had? Would things have been different if we had? I'm starting to feel like what we did and how we were was slightly wrong.

I remember how we (truthfully) blocked out new kids who were introduced into our group. How we'd have little "inside" jokes that no-one else would get. And we'd never try to include them. Does that make us bullies?!

I know you could say "oh but you were young!" But since when did that become an excuse for us to hurt others?

Circle of Friends

Making friends should be effortless. with the right people, it shouldn't be this hard.

You see, I thought we could've been great friends. I thought you were awesome. Now, i just feel like i've been cut from the group. hell! i wasnt in the damned group to begin with. i'm sick of making all the efforts. you clearly would rather "hang" without me.

well, screw you.